I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
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[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
they finally got him. they got macavity
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.