forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
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Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.