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I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.