GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
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HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Finally, an explanation.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.