Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
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[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
In case you needed to hear it:
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking