911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
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When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I feel attacked.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
what’s really going on
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!