“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
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Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire