So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
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When I laugh on my period
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.