DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
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Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys