A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial