dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
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My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!