Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
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How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
choose your fighter
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”