What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
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I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?