OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…