Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
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Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
For the orator and chef in all of us
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle