I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
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The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol