Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
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No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
#MeanwhileInCanada
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Day 2 of my diet
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!