8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
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You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.