I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
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Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I found your tweet-up…
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.