“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
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This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I know this now 😂
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers