TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
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Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
When libraries troll their patrons.