How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
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when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.