I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
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9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I’m good, thanks.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so