My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
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*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Thrilling chase underway
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.