“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101