The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Ron is short for Aaronald
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.