I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
You Might Also Like
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
thank god the sign was there
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
What the hell happened here.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.