me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
#Caturday
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito