I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
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Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*