doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
You Might Also Like
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Close call…
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.