Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
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I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Anyone really
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?