Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
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CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Nomnomnomnom
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.