has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
You Might Also Like
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Poetry is my passion
No, I don’t think I will.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Friday
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.