I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
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[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.