Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
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Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
step 6: release the wall snake
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.