I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
rapatouille
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview