Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”