You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
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I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
New menu item
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.