angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
You Might Also Like
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Friends that check up on you >
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”