My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
This is not me but this is me
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST