I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
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[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Would you wear it?
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]