Sometimes? I’m slipping
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yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I created you as mosquito food.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat