facebook is down so i am having to improvise
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interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Seek kebab; not attention
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Fiction has to make sense.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.