Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
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“Theirye’re” problem solved
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer