I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
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In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday