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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
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which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”