My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
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MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.