i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
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realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”