the answer was staring at me all along
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
What?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché