*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
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I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother